Setting boundaries and going no contact with family.

I am almost 50 years old, and I still don't think I love myself. I am going to be very vulnerable and share some of my experiences that haunt me to this day. My negative self-talk is always telling me "I should do better" "Why am I so lazy" or "You are never good enough". There were many times when I would write in my journal "I hate myself".  Do you know how hard this is to actually say and type in this blog?  I know this sounds harsh, but we need to start being transparent and normalize many of these discussions. I know I am not the only one who thinks this and is part of their internal talk. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go.  What I am sharing with you in this blog is very personal and some who may read it will have a negative response.  I am now past that and ready to journal, blog, talk, and do whatever I need to do to get this pain and trauma out of my body!  Warning, this is a long one.  Yes, I am hoping my journey with healing well help others, I am writing these more for me.  I cried so much writing this one, but it feels so good to release all this and to not be afraid of what my family might say.

I first want to make it clear that at no point, I am talking about my mom and dad.  My mom and dad meant the world to me, and they often sheltered me from what I am about to explain.  We had many conversations before to when they passed away, about their worry for when they passed.  They worried that what I am sharing today, was going to continue and get worse.  My children are so must younger than my parent's other grandchildren.  They were so worried about what they wanted for my children as they did for their other grandchildren, would not happen.  It breaks my heart that exactly what they were worried about, has happened.  I will explain more in future blogs.

Let me start by explaining a little bit about how I grew up and what I was told daily:

• "You think everything is about you".
• "You are so ugly". Ugly was the name given to me when I was a little girl, and I was called this throughout my teenage years constantly in front of friends, boyfriends, and family.  I cried many times because you hear that enough, you believe it.
• I was always ridiculed about my weight, specifically being called "Thunder Thighs".
• "This world doesn't revolve around you".
• This is a very small sampling of what I was told throughout my life.

As the youngest of four, I was never included in what my brothers did.  As I became an adult, I prayed for this change as I wanted nothing more than some sense of approval or acceptance from my siblings.  Sunday family dinner at my mom and dad's and they are all laughing about the birthday celebration over the weekend, or what happened camping, and I was never offered an invitation.  Let me clarify that, one of my brothers took me on a camping trip with this club they belonged to.  I was so excited.  Lots of people/strangers, drugs, and booze.  I tried to tell my brother that I felt very uncomfortable with how a guy was treating me and the inappropriate things he was doing.  My brother looked me in the face and said, "You always make up stories.  There is no way that happened".  That guy followed me and grabbed my hand, almost dragging me to his tent.  I yelled for my brother, he looked at me and walked away.  I don't think I need to explain what happened next.  When I tried brining it up to my brother when we got home as I didn't know what to do, he said "don't be so stupid" and walked away.

From my graduation to my wedding to career advancements to my boys being in the hospital, I was always told some sort of reason as to why they can't make it. Don't get me wrong, there were a few events they came to, but not many.  I remember my graduation so clearly seeing the other families, and their siblings, celebrating and I kept wishing one of them might come.

As my siblings got married, I looked so forward to having sisters-in-law, but things just got worse. Hearing my sisters-in-law say such hurtful things about me was crushing. At family events for my parents, I could feel their eyes on me, if I didn't get up fast enough to wash the dishes, or do something they thought I should do, the gossiping among themselves started. To this day, I don't think they realize the things I heard. I thought maybe my sisters-in-law would encourage my brothers to include me, and invite me to occasions, instead they fuelled my brother's anger towards me.  It was almost like they enjoyed it.

I am sharing this with you as part of the Self-Love and Self-Care EBook and Journal I just released.  Setting boundaries is a very important part of self-care. When I finally got the courage to set boundaries, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I so desperately wanted any of my brothers to love me and be proud of me, but I knew I would keep fighting for something that would never happen and I would keep getting hurt over and over again.  

A common question I get is; when did you know it was time to set boundaries and go no contact? I knew I had to go no-contact for years, but certain moments happen that made it very clear. I tell people that you will know. You will hit a point and know it is time to set those boundaries.  The question is how much hurt are you willing to accept before setting your boundary? 

The right time for me, was when my dad was slowly passing away.  I witnessed and saw things that crossed my core values.  That I just couldn't accept.  I am working on a journal about core values and I can't wait to release it.  It helped me become clear on what my values were and that they would never be compromised.

The Christmas before my dad passed away was the beginning of the end for my relationship with my siblings.  It sounds funny saying siblings as you would think one of them would want a relationship with me, but I think they got too much joy ganging up on me. I wanted to make my dad's last Christmas so special. I made his favourite peanut butter cookies, and he ate so many I thought for sure he would get sick. Christmas Eve was always the biggest celebration for us. When I reached out to my brothers and asked if they were going to come see dad Christmas Eve, remember my dad is dying, the response was heartbreaking. They told me that they asked dad if they can pick him up and bring him to Christmas Eve and were upset my dad said no. He is actively f&#$ing dying. My brother proceeded to say "I am not going to ruin my Christmas." My heart was broken knowing this was my dad's last Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve was something my mom and dad planned every year with so many relatives.  I would follow my dad around opening all the chocolates, brining food, carry the beer bottles to the bar we had in the basement.  My brothers, my dad's grandchildren and great-children, and not one of them came to see my dad.  My husband Darren and our four boys had a beautiful Christmas Eve with my dad and created such beautiful memories. I was heartbroken for my dad as he always asked me "where are your brothers". I didn't know what to say, and my dad would say with tears in his eyes "oh, I guess they had to work".

A few months later my dad passed away. When we knew dad was down to his final days, I was trying to make sure everyone had a chance to say their goodbyes.  I will never forget what one of my brothers said to me "my suitcase is packed, let me know when the funeral is".  This man who worked so hard to provide us the life we had, you don't want to see him but you are ready to get all the attention at his funeral.  As for the others, I am not sure why they wouldn't want to be there as their dad, who gave them everything, took his last breath.  When we were down to the last few days, I stayed there 24 hours.  I remember one of my brothers walking in one morning saying, I was sleeping on a chair, and he woke me up by saying "What the hell are you trying to prove"?

Seeing families across the hallway with all the siblings, and the grandchildren, all there to ensure their loved one didn't die alone. My dad had 10 grandchildren and three great-grandchildren, and in the 6 months my dad was in the hospital, some of them maybe came once or twice. It broke my heart when my dad would ask about them.

When my dad decided it was time, it was me and my dad. I hadn't let go of his hand for three hours as I knew his last breath was soon. The nurse would keep walking in and asking me if there is anyone they should call, don't you have siblings? I couldn't even get the words out without crying, "I phoned them all, and they don't want to come".  At 3:11 a.m. I squeezed my dad's hand and laid my head on his chest as he took his last breath. I could hear my dad saying to me "it is ok sweetheart, don't cry". I sat with my dad for about an hour, the nurses kept checking on me and asking "are you sure there is no one you want us to call before we remove your dad from the room"? I couldn't speak I was crying too hard, and would just shake my head, no. The beautiful nurse sat with me for a while about how they see many people die alone, and how hard it is.  My dad worked his entire life for his kids, and grandkids and yet none of them could be there as my dad took his last breath. I just pray they don't die alone, and their kids don't do to him, what they did to their dad.

One of my brothers and I were the executors for my dad. We had made plans as to how we were putting dad to rest. We decided we would put dad to rest and go to the Red Diamond, dad's favourite restaurant, as a family with all the kids, grandchildren and everyone. We laughed and thought that was perfect for dad. We planned with the funeral home to have this little ceremony to open the niche (where my mom was) with a time they had available along with the priest. I remember sitting in the funeral home while I was being attacked by my brothers. The funeral director told me that in his 20 years of being a funeral director, he had never seen something so disgusting as the way my brothers attacked me. He said he was scared for me.  All the arrangements were made, and after we left, my brothers actually called the funeral director and changed the plans. The funeral director told them that he can't change the plans unless agreed to by the executor, myself. Unfortunately, the funeral director was on the receiving end of my brother's anger. He was even more shocked that my brothers arranged for another journal post that was completely different from the one we all agreed to with him.  The funeral director was so scared of what my brothers might do that he told me to come pick up dad's ashes at noon on Friday.  He told me not to be late as my brothers were harassing him that they need to take the ashes.  The funeral director said to me "I am not sure what happened, but were brothers were told your dad's ashes won't be ready to 3:00 p.m. but I can pick them up at noon and don't be late".  I know this was my mom working from heaven as she knew what my brothers were capable of.

At one last attempt, call me stupid, I asked my brothers if we can meet at a Starbucks. Within 5 minutes at our local Starbucks one of my brothers started yelling at me, calling me names and came right up behind me and yelled at me and stormed out. Everyone in the coffee shop was looking at me.  I thought my brother was going to hit me.  My other brother and sister-in-law sat there and didn't do a single thing. Thank God a friend of mine was in Starbucks and came up to ask me if I was okay and what that was all about.

When the day came that was originally planned to put dad to rest with my mom, it was Darren, myself, our four boys and the priest. No one else showed up. With a beautiful prayer read by my boys with the priest, we put dad to rest with mom. We then enjoyed a beautiful dinner at my dad's favourite restaurant and talked about all the memories we created with my mom and dad. There was a small part of me that hoped my brothers and their families would have shown up for dad, as was planned, but I knew in my heart they wouldn't.

THIS WAS MY BREAKING POINT.  I have not talked to my brothers or their families since my dad passed away. 

Setting boundaries hurt, but over time you realize it was the best thing you could have ever done and wonder why didn't you do it sooner. The first Christmas, my heart ached as I missed what I grew up with, but I still knew the boundaries were so important for me and my family.  The following Christmas, this is a year later, I was up early preparing the turkey, the music was going, and we were laughing and having so much fun. I said to Darren I can't believe how happy and grateful I feel. I said I can't remember a time when I felt this way at Christmas except for when I was a little girl following my dad around. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I didn't have the stress of worrying about what my brothers or sisters-in-law would say.  I didn't have to worry about the whispers between my sister-n-laws wondering if I am doing the dishes or not, or how spoiled my boys were, or hearing my brothers say some sort of rude comment. It was a beautiful moment feeling free of all the worry and stress and that I did the right thing.

Setting boundaries is hard, especially if you go no-contact and even more so if it is with family.  At first, you will question yourself but with time you will realize you did the right thing for yourself.  Your self-care, and being whom you want to be, is not selfish and you don't owe anyone justification.  By setting good boundaries, you are taking care of yourself for the people you want in your life.