How do you move forward in life when you see nothing but an empty road.

Scratch that title. 

As what came out, I didn't expect.  But like everyone tells me, trust the process of healing.

It took me years and lots of wrong turns, but a few years ago I finally thought I was in a place where I could once again plan a future for our beautiful little family. No matter your cancer, big or small, when you hear that “C” word, planning your future takes on a whole different meaning.  

Our lives drastically changed after my cancer diagnosis, but we still knew where we were going in life.  Cancer taught us all so much.  It put our values in check, and as our family removed the noise of life and focused on the essentials, we knew we were on the right path.  I honestly thought my journey following my cancer diagnosis was what I was meant to do on earth.  Not only me but our boys. Over the years, the people who reached out who were newly diagnosed or were facing the end of their journey, when I would get a call, no matter what we were doing, Darren and the boys would always tell me, "Go, mom. They need you right now. We have you all the time".   

One of these occasions was on Christmas Day.  Holding someone's hand that cancer brought together and is now taking it apart is forever engraved on my heart. When I drove home that night, I looked up in the sky and said, "Thank you for allowing me to share in your work. My hands are your hands.  Thank you for believing in me".  All the boys were asleep when I got home.  I went into each of their rooms to give them a kiss goodnight and apologized as I felt so guilty as a mom not being home on Christmas Day.  I will never ever forget the look each of them gave me as I kissed their cheeks. Their beautiful eyes and their precious little smiles told me everything I needed to hear. I could feel in my heart that they felt blessed knowing they each had a part in making it possible to be with someone in their last few days of life.  Even though they had never met this person, they knew that their grieving family needed me more that day, and each one of them was so proud to do their part and to ensure they wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 
 
When I lost my mom in 2011, that created a void in my heart that would never be filled again.  However, when I lost my dad, the sense of loneliness you feel when both your parents have passed is palpable. Now, I don’t have a husband standing by my side. I stand alone. I know my boys love me and are always there for me and love me so much, but I still stand alone, if that makes sense. 

My parents had me late in life, so many of my aunts and uncles had passed away.  Knowing there is no one above you in that hierarchy of age, the loneliness hit me like being hit by a truck.  The situation with my family also contributed to that loneliness.  I knew when my dad passed, I could finally let go of all those relationships that I kept together just for my mom and dad.  When my dad passed, it was just me and him in the room, with me holding his hand. However, the people who my dad dedicated his entire life to, couldn’t be there for my dad as he took his last breath. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive, but I do hope they do not die alone and that their children are with them when they take their last breath. 

My dad was a pillar of strength for so many families. However, there was a situation that tore my mom, my dad and my grandma's heart into pieces, that were never repaired.  Let me try and explain, my mom married my dad's brother.  Think about that one for a second.  Nothing sketchy, they were from different families.  My dad's sister married my mom's brother.  Just in case it still doesn't make sense, lol. Brother-sister married a brother-sister from another family.  We all grew up so close with our cousins until this situation occurred that instantly separated our families. Our families pretty much never saw each other again, only a handful of times at some funerals and other events. This was something my mom and dad just couldn’t get over.  

I really don’t know why these thoughts and situations are coming to my mind that I want to put on paper......I did not plan on journaling about this, but as my therapist said, just write what comes to your heart. Let it flow. 

My brothers took me on a camping trip with lots of their friends. I was so excited to go because all I ever wanted was to feel loved and accepted by my brothers. There were lots of people, and I think I was around 11 or 12. One of the nights camping someone said to come to his tent, he had some candy he wanted to give me. Little did I know that I would have to pay for that candy with my body. My brother peeped his head into the tent and said, "There you are" " and walked away. In all honesty, he probably had no idea what was going on. As he walked away, I heard him talking to someone outside the tent, so I started to scream for him to come back, but he never did.  My mom and dad took me to the doctors when I got back and as amazing as my mom and dad were, I needed to keep this to myself as they didn't want to cause more harm and stress in the family. My mom carried a deep fear of losing her sons. My oldest brother was a very bad alcoholic. My mom didn’t have the capacity to deal with it, so my daily question for over 30 years was, “Is (blank) ok?”. 

Like how did this blog take this direction. This is not at all what I wanted to write about.  This is the first time I wrote about some of those situations and the first time I cried about some of the situations. Unfortunately, there are more situations that will come out as I heal. Like the time I thought it was ok when one of my brother’s friends would always cope a feel, grab a boob and want nothing more than to sit and ask me questions about me kissing boys. Have I let boys touch me? Where do I like to be touched? It gives me the creeps even typing this.  I always told my mom and, most of the time, my dad, but because my mom had this fear of losing her sons, I was always told that "I am so strong" or "Just don't think about it" even "Pretend like it didn't happen."  There is so much coming to my mind and my fingers just do not want to stop.......how this blog took this direction, I really do not know. 

I am not sure what has happened with all this coming out in this journal entry, but I think the road to that blank canvas that I see when I close my eyes, just got a little darker.   

My eyes are swollen as my keyboard is soaked with tears.  I think a warm bath is calling me.  I will come back in the next couple of days and journal about having no idea how to piece my life back together when most of the pieces are even missing.